Superwoman doesn't feel so super!!

Today like most days has been tiring, we (Sophia & I) are 3 years into this journey & it feels like 30. I've come to terms with the fact that in reality no one truly knows what it's like to be us. No one knows what it's like to be a single mother with the heart that I have wanting so many things for my little girl, all of which most days seem to be out of reach.  Everyday I stay as positive as I can, it seems almost as if the world doesn't allow you to have a weak or bad day for it then means your "negative". Well I beg to differ, I think only the strong show that they can't handle their journey alone nor with strength every single day of the year. Considering our life, I think I'm doing pretty well at staying "strong", but I wanted to note this day. I feel weak (due to my own health issues), exhausted, uninspired, like there isn't a light at the end of this tunnel. See today Sophia's new Physical therapist Lynn & I met. Sophia just started at B&V Therapro last Wednesday after 2 months of not being able to find her a place, since the last company that serviced her no longer could since our recent move to an area they don't work. I must say that was nice to have a company that came to our home & provided all her therapies. Anyhow so now we are at a facility, very nice one I must say. So we've been meeting her new therapist little by little. Lynn will be one of her PTs & she happens to have a son with Cerebral Palsy he's already an adult. Well she "shed some light" on the matter & let's just say it's not the kind of light that helps you as much as they do mean well & think they are helping you by giving you more reality checks. Those moments which there have been several that they tell you things like "she will always need therapy" or "her neurological matter will never change, the damage is done".....these things don't exactly give you the brightest picture of the "future".  All you imagine then is will my poor little girls body always be this solid rock needing this stretch there & this exercise there mind you an agonizing process for her & for I to witness!!! Will her foot never go down, & will it be as this therapist is telling me after "several surgeries". I mean will we ever have a life without appointment after appointment. You mean she has to see a neuro & ortho FOREVER!! (INSERT HUGE SIGH) WHY ME IS ALL I CAN SAY RIGHT NOW, WHY HER!!! DON'T get me wrong I've accepted that this is a lifetime matter, but I guess a huge part of my soul keeps distracted in the "Faith" sector of my life. Like God will heal my little girl & there is a light & a life free of all THIS!!!! Maybe it wouldn't be so hard if I had more support, like a group I knew when I'm at my wits end, I could recharge. Maybe of just 1 of 6 now but use to be 9 hours of therapy a week someone else could sit there & have to be the one to witness her pain. There's only so many hours in a lifetime you can watch your Sunshine not shine so brightly. I feel like I've been watching her suffer more than not since her birth. I feel so so so angry at this reality & yes before I'm written off as a negative one again I am positive, I am aware of my huge miracle & blessing!!! BUT That DOESN'T make this any easier most days. See everybody just sees this little girl smiling & 'HAPPY" but they don't know how much energy it takes to enlighten her life so when she is in those dark moments they aren't half as bad for her (but they still are for me). I don't know what else to say but that if God could just give me one wish, I do, I do wish for my little girl to be FREE of Cerebral Palsy!!!!