She is my Sunshine!!

I have to share that when I first met Sophia and saw her in her little isolette I thought of this song Sophia is my sunshine!!!..(Click on link) The first time I attempted to sing it to her, I must say I couldn't make it through to the end of the chorus.  When it says "Please don't take my sunshine away", I choked & started crying.  See that first time I sang it....I had uncertainty of how our little girl would be.  I go back to not many really understand how scary this is, everyday is different, some days she has a good one, some she has really bad ones.  The staff warns you and tells you it's a roller coaster ride.  I've seen both sides of it already.  I've been the only one to be present & witness her completely stop breathing medical staff was running in to use the bag to bring her back....for that instant I felt I lost my sunshine.  It was so scary when they kicked me out of the room, this was Saturday 10.29.11 @ around 6pm.  I found myself all alone in the hallway I just wanted to fall to the floor, but I couldn't I had to attempt to be strong, stay positive, and pray she'd be okay.  I kept repeating this song in my mind...please don't take my sunshine away God!!! Thankfully within 20mins. they let me back in & there she laid looking pink again (she had turned purple/blue/white a lifeless color).  An R/N came up to me & asked "Are you okay, I know that experience can be quite traumatizing"......was I okay um of course NOT, but I am so grateful for being asked. She went on to saying if you can make it through this you can make it through anything in life!! I must say I agree with her......we are three weeks in tomorrow and it has felt like three months.  I have to say without the team at NICU it'd be much harder they are so comforting and always there to help you.  I've experienced hugs, a gentle rub on my back, and even a tear wiper!!! In any case after the nurse & I spoke I sang to my princess attempting to sooth her for what she had just experienced.  By the way I can now make it through the song without choking ......but still my heart is heavy I feel so helpless not being able to breath for her when she's tired, to make her heart beat normal when it races, & all the things she goes through I wish I could trade places with her.  For those that don't already know this, the same day she had this episode on 10.29.11 Sophia was also put back on the ventilator.  What can I say but the feeling when I called at 3pm and found out they had just put her on it emergency style was quite dark, sort of like a cloud over my head.  She had already gone back on the C-Pap on 10.27.11 after 7 days of breathing on her own, so I was overwhelmed at the thought that the doctors said the C-Pap may not be enough and to be prepared for her possibly going back to vents, sure enough they were right and after just 3 days on the C-Pap she went back to vents.  I'm proud of her though after all she lasted so many days on her own!! The doctors say it's normal for babies of her age/size to get tired & go back to Point A, but for mommy I can't accept her going back it hurts me to see her with this tube down her mouth.....AS of today 11.2.11 she continues on the ventilator and she isn't really improving much in the sense that she doesn't look like she will be back to C-Pap any day soon.  She is on high levels of oxygen assisting her and when they try to ween her down she is not accepting it.....so for now she will most likely be on vents for a few days they say.  Docs say she needs to rest so that's what we will do, let her rest & watch her!  Hoping soon she will improve and go back to where she had already triumphed, no machines just doing it on her own!! I pray it will be soon because I don't want my baby to suffer!!!!!